Director Dad, Chen Min
“Can nurturing a child only be successful, not a failure?” It can, but at a cost. If I ask everyone to share your “childhood” memories, what would be the first thing that comes to your mind? During the counseling process, I always try to understand the recipient’s childhood memories because according to many psychological studies, a person’s experiences during childhood are enough to influence a person’s future values, mate selection, the quality of interpersonal relationships, and even their destiny.
As parents, we always hope that our children will surpass us, so we unconsciously have expectations for them. This is an inevitable occurrence, but whether parents have expectations that are too high or too low, what is considered “reasonable,” how we evaluate or set reasonable expectations can significantly affect how children build their self-confidence and self-efficacy.
I remember during a communication process with teenagers, I asked them a question, “Who can share 10 personal strengths in 1 minute?” One teenager responded, “He said it’s already good that we have no weaknesses, so why talk about so many strengths!” This statement deeply shocked me because these are what we call top students; they possess what others consider high academic achievements, yet they have no confidence in themselves. It made me realize that behind the pursuit of perfection lies the potential for a person’s self-worth to be completely defeated.
Between 1989 and 2016, psychologists Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill conducted comprehensive analyses and studies on perfectionism and found a significant increase in perfectionist tendencies. Surprisingly, in children and teenagers, 2 out of 5 individuals were found to be perfectionists. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that individuals with perfectionist tendencies do not necessarily become more successful; instead, they tend to become more fragile and anxious than the average person. This is because they cope with the world through the ultimate form of self-defeat. They often cannot accept making mistakes, yet making mistakes is a necessary stage in people’s lives, an essential part of our growth, learning, and indispensable for navigating social interactions.
According to research from Curtin University in Australia, perfectionism can lead to various mental disorders. The higher the degree of perfectionism, the greater the psychological obstacles one faces. Therefore, when parents do not understand the extent to which their children can endure and demand perfection and success in everything, the cost can be depression, anxiety disorders, self-harm, and more alarmingly, the increasing number of student suicides in recent years.
Of course, some scholars argue that perfectionism is healthy and desirable. For example, perfectionists are usually hardworking, loyal, diligent, and so on. However, in reality, perfectionism and high standards are not the same. Perfectionism is a way of thinking about oneself, not a behavior.
Here are some behavioral characteristics of perfectionism:
They experience intense emotional fluctuations and are highly sensitive to stress.
They cannot accept failure and are not easily open to suggestions.
They tend to turn opinions into shame and anger.
They choose to avoid or resist things that they are not sure of succeeding in.
They are good at self-criticism, which can lead to symptoms of depression.
Having read this far, I wonder what opinions the readers have about perfectionism. If you hope that our next generation will learn to appreciate themselves, face failures and successes willingly, and be willing to learn in the process, I encourage you to support their efforts more, to take pride in their efforts, rather than just focusing on the outcomes.